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17 January 2013 @ 11:39 pm
last goodbye;  
I've never been a girly girl. Sure, I love the color pink and I love wearing frilly dresses.... But, I've never sat down and planned my wedding. I know so many girls that have everything from their dress style to their theme picked out. Not me. I never even entertained the idea of marriage until I met Casey. Though, it's funny how all that can change so quickly. My grandma, who I love to death, is terribly sick and in the hospital. We thought for the longest time that she would bounce back and recover. But, it's quickly becoming clear that may not happen. The doctors are thinking she had a serious stroke because she can no longer talk or move her body.

While I know everyone probably says this, my nana is literally the best grandma in the world... Loving, understanding, amazingly patient, and has the most infectious smile and laugh. I've always been super close to her. So, it's hard seeing her like this. And it wasn't until yesterday that it hit me: Nana probably wont ever see me get married. In my head, whenever I did think of marriage, I always pictured her there. This realization hit me hard. If I ever did get married, I wanted her to be there. If I ever did have children, I wanted her to be able to hold them. I'm not sure why I'm so upset over an imaginary future.... But, I can't shake this thought out of my head: She might not be able to experience these things with me.

I know I should just be thankful that I have so many great memories with her. It's just, I'm not ready for her to die. I want her to get better. I want her to be there for silly things like marriage. I want her to be there for me.
Current Mood: sadsad
Current Music: shadows of the night by pat benatar